Toxic Positivity

I grew up in a family that restricted me from feeling and expressing negative emotions. We were not allowed to fight at home. Being angry, sad or stressed was not a good thing and we were not supposed to feel it. We were told to be ‘positive’ all the time. As a child, most of my negative emotions were not validated. I was called “intolerant” because I got angry and hurt when people did something bad to me. I was called “arrogant” because I spoke against people who crossed my boundaries. I was told to not get “too worked up” when I vented out my suppressed emotions(cause I was not able to express or direct it to the right people). I was always advised and told to be “positive” to not get “affected”, to dismiss those “emotions” cause they were just negative and to “forgive” the people and “change” myself. This is “toxic positivity”. “Toxic positivity or positive toxicity is dysfunctional emotional management without the full acknowledgment of negative emotions, particularly anger and sadness.”(Wikipedia)

I am not here to encourage you to shout at every person in the room and punch all of them on the face. But we need to always have a safe space to vent out, validate, express and assert our emotions. It should be accepted and let out. One should not feel guilty for experiencing humane emotions. The dangers of toxic positivity should be highlighted. Speaking from personal experience, one could feel guilty, have trouble saying no, accept toxic behaviours, tolerate abuse, not speak up for themselves etc. One would gaslight themselves and blame themselves for other people’s mistakes. Can you relate to this? Then, oh guys, STOP, RIGHT THERE!!!Believe me, when I say that we would go out of the way to justify toxic behaviours and abuse of other people and even let sexual and physical abusers get away easily(on extreme cases). Yes, just because we are not able to process and express our negative emotions. Cause let’s face it..we were told that we were the problem up until now(Hai!It’s me. I am the problem, it’s me.)

We cannot change the things we have been taught. But we can work on it. It requires some inner work but it is time we made peace with our negative emotions. It took me some time but I discovered the pattern in my past friendships and reactions. I am slowly learning to accept and validate my negative emotions. Yes, it is okay to be angry, sad and stressed. Healthy expression of negative emotions is essential to mental health and survival. A person who cannot express disapproval or show anger or the least be open about their feelings would be constantly stepped on and used by others. Ouch!!But it is the truth.

Lessons in 2022

The norm is not the final rule. Find out what works for you. Find your own pace.
You need not put up with toxic behaviour for peace. No relationships is worth your mental health.
Protect your energy.
Clothing does not define your sexual or gender identity.
You can forgive people but not get back together like before. You need not feel guilty for not feeling the same about them anymore.
Nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel. If u got hurt, you are hurt.
What you actually want can be so different from what you think you want. Ask yourself.
Conflicts do happen in relationships. Communication is key.
Listen to your body.
Validate your emotions. Do not second guess yourself. Trust yourself.
You don’t have to please everyone in the room.
You don’t have to say yes and do things that make you uncomfortable in the name of “getting outside your comfort zone”. It s okay to lose out on some fun for your mental energy.
You evolve and you keep changing. You don’t need to fit yourself into one category. It is okay to be a walking contradiction. Human beings are mobile contradictions.
You don’t have to feel guilty for living a good life amd having it easy.
Birds of a flock always stick together. Just look at their friend circle.

Let’s Learn some Healthy Habits

Set Boundaries and Say No

Ever wanted to say something, but ended up blurting out something else or worse kept quiet. Were you ever disgusted with a certain behaviour, was uncomfortable with some behaviours put out to you or worse some creepy touches. Did you ever feel like you were used? Said yes to something that was actually burdensome. Finding it hard to say no without explaining yourself? Time to set clear boundaries and hurt some souls. Yes hurt and lose some people. But don’t worry, you are gonna lose people who use you, perverts, manipulators and toxic ones. Life is way better without them.

Accept and Assert Negative Emotions

It is okay to feel negative(this whole thing of positivity and motivation shamed us for feeling normal human emotions). Accept sadness, anger, hurt, anxiety, dislike, uncomfortable etc. Embrace them. They are used to express They are normal in a healthy dose. Assert and express these emotions. Validate them. You are allowed to feel them. You don’t necessarily have to shout at people, you can actually let someone know you are hurt or angry.

Self-Assurance and Validation

Be you own cheerleader. Assure yourself. Motivate yourself. Practice self-affirmations. Talk to yourself. It works wonders. Always validate yourself. This can be difficult for people who are used to looking outside for validation. To a certain extent, it is good. But it also shows that you don’t trust yourself. You know yourself better than others. They do not know your entire story. Only you do. It is good to go for a second opinion but the first one should be yours. Do not second-guess yourself.

Trust Your Intuition

Believe in yourself. That feeling about certain people, you are most probably right. That gut feeling that rises up towards the chest, that something that prevents you from trusting or relying on a person-it knows the way. Just go along with it and not against it.

Accept Imperfections

You are a human. You are imperfectly imperfect. You are a messy cohesive bundle. You are going to have flaws, negatives, make mistakes and embarass yourself. It is okay to have a bit of fat here and there, to mess up at times, to say the wrong things somedays and to fail. It is not your fault that you cannot be the perfect consistent cinematic protagonist who knows what she wants all the time. Oh, you are only a human.

Call out People

One thing I have learned from experience is that, people are only gonna repeat something if they think it is okay or approves by someone. We all crave acceptance to a certain degree. If you don’t entertain a joke they won’t crack it in front of you anymore. You don’t necessarily have to say it, you can show it through your body language as well. On that note, some people are better off when they are ignored. Silence could also be a form of calling out.

De-Prioritize People

I have heard the phrase, “Cut Off” people. I would suffice with safe distance and de-prioritize. You can cut them off your list of close ones and cut off your time and energy with them as well. Some people do more bad than good and your life and mental health is better off without them. You can still be on talking terms with them but if that disturbs you (some people can be octopuses) then don’t hesitate to minimize the interactions to a bare minimum and if necessary, to zero.

Let’s Learn some Toxic Words

Toxic

You want to know what toxicity is? Well, do you think that you have to constantly walk on egg-shells around a person. Are you scared of them? Are you already taking quizes about toxic relationships and if you are in one? Wallah. You are in one. In some cases, you could be the toxic party. Seek therapy when you feel so. Do not reach conclusions by yourself.

Red Flags

It refers to any kinds of signals that indicate that you are in a toxic relationship that is not serving your mental health. All of the above and following terms are red flags in any kind of relationships.

Narcissism

Some people think that they are better than others. Anyone comes to mind? Well,don’t be so quick to judge. They may just be self-centred or self-obsessed people. Narcisstic Personality Disorder is actually a thing and can be diagnosed by professionals. They have equally manipulative tactics and mind games that they use on their victims. People-pleasers and empaths are their most common victims since they become the “ying to their yang”, providing them with the narcisstic supply they crave. Narcissism or just self-centredness, both are equally toxic. Run away. NOW!!

Co-Dependent

Refers to any kind of relationship where one party is too dependent on the other. It is not good for both parties as one can feel underappreciated and the other suffocated.

Breadcrumbing

A technique or mind game played by narcs or toxic people to keep someone at bay. They won’t clearly give green signals but throw crumbs of love and affection once in a while, usually when the victim is ready to move on. Hence, they never allow the victim to leave them but would not give them the love and attention they deserve. The person will play hot and cold. This gives the player a sense of importance and boosts their fragile ego usually pumped by a low sense of self and inferiority complex.

Manipulating

A technique used by toxic people to control you and make you do something according to their wish or bidding at the expense of your own wish or desire. They may use emotional strategies and trick you into obeying their orders by “Guilt-Shaming”(another word)you or otherwise.

Mind Games

They play games and plot tactics to trick you and keep you under their control. This can involve lying to get something out of you or testing you(as if u r the next candidate waiting for their approval).

Gaslighting

They lie and make out rabbits as cats that leaves you questioning the rationality of your own mind. In the end, you will think you have gone nuts. They need to put people in prison for this crime.

Ghosting

A person showed interest in you. Talked to you and was excited to get to know you but then one day they suddenly just leave you on “unread” or “seen”. You were ghosted. But remember that not all these acts may be done intentionally.

Energy Leeches

You know those people who just stick onto your face like an octopus and make jokes at your expense and then belittle you and make you feel bad about yourself. You know those people who just complains and breeds on negativity and they rub off their energy on you, leaving you drained and dead devoid of hope.

Sidekicks

They are with you, but not fully with you. They like you but they do not fully like you. They come to you and spend time with you as their last resource. They are not there when you need them but they will come visit you and grant you their precious “heavenly time” when they think it is convenient for them cause who cares about your time anyways? For them, they like you but only as an option. For them, you are their friend but only when they want you to be. You are taken for granted, child. You are their side-chick or side-kick, one of the options in their list.

Perverts

Ooooo…This is not exactly a toxic word. More like a crime. But you will be shocked(well, I was) to know how common it was. Grabbing and wrong touches are not the only perverted behaviours. Certain looks, creepy stares and conversations that make you uncomfortable all come under this term.

Steamrolling

Ever had a friend or parent who would just take over your party and make it about themselves?That person who would obsessivevely control the whole thing and rule over you and dim your role. They are steamrollimg.

Pretty Privilege

You must have seen it in dramas and heard stories about it online and offline. But I never truly understood what it meant until I witnessed it myself(just like any other thing in life). We can understand the human’s natural or psychological affinity towards beauty. But I am a true believer of the quote,”Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. That plus my love for intellectuals(sapiophile) and spiritual ideals made me run away from people who judged by looks. We all have “eye candies” and preferences. But what I am talking about is real demarcation based on external features and accepted beauty standards. I got the hint of it at first but was not sure it was my first time but gradually, it became clear to me. The kindness and helpful nature of otherwise ignorant people. The honey-dripping smiles and jokes of otherwise mean boys. The sudden change in their tone and nature. On that note, I can only speak of my experiences as a woman. I know that pretty privilege is experienced by men as well.

It is downright disgusting. One needs to only dig up the roots to realize that it all stems from objectification. I don’t know if it is a mere coincidence but ALL of these men who showed pretty privilege are also the men who couldn’t see women as friends, who clearly, through their words and behaviour, treated women as objects of beauty with no life, character or talents beyond that.

“It’s not my responsibility to be beautiful. I’m not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me”

I used to be scared of dressing up cause I did not want to be seen just for my looks. I wanted to be more than that. But that is not the right concept either. We dress up, get all dolled up, enjoy the attention once in a while. But oh girl, do not entertain any kind of sexist jokes or privileges. One thing I understood is that these people(pretty privelege leaders)actually care about their image more than any average person. They won’t carry this act on if they know that the very object of their undivided attention is going to judge them and disapprove them. Call them out or just don’t approve their behaviour in any way. Even if they do not realize how wrong it is(cause let’s face it, most of them do not even care), they will at least know that it would not be appreciated and will be frowned upon. That is the easiest way to handle sexism, narcissism or any kind of mean and arrogant attention-seekers. Just don’t give them what they want- approval and attention. Just stop being the source of their egoistic supply and live your own life with conviction and self-confidence. Some things are well, just unacceptable and it stays like that.

Brutally Me

Would it hurt if I was honestly brutally me? If I speak mind, my likes and dislikes. If I was the most authentic real imperfect me. Would it hurt?

We role-play throughout our lives for the passing crowd.
-me 2022

Why are we so afraid to speak our minds. Well, I can say for myself. I was scared. Fearful of not being liked, of being “seen” as negative, of being judged as “small minded” uncool, of not being perfect. So often we smile through the pain, through the creeping discomfort and awkardness of it all because we are just afraid to destroy the mood. Of being seen as “party poopers”. Of being called “boring”. We want to be fun likeable, famous and “fit in” with the people. But how much of agreeableness is too agreeable. How much is too nice? How much does it take to be a people pleaser? What is that prevents me from popping out the words of my heart? What is the stifling suffocation in my throat when I fail to put into words the feelings that are bottling up brimming, threatening to fall of my mouth? Why do I swallow my words. What will your words break or damage? That fragile fake cheery image you portrayed out in the world? Who are you trying to please? Who are you begging to stay? Whom are you scared of leaving? Are you afraid of abandonment by strangers you barely know?

“Deep inside, she knew who she was, and that person was smart and kind and often even funny, but somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all.”
Julia Quinn, Romancing Mister Bridgerton (Bridgertons, #4)

Dear folks, STOP IT!!!Stop strangling tour throat chakra like that. Stop doing it to yourself. Slowly, one step at a time, start raising your voice. Speak for yourself. That moment the invisible energy holds you back, pull out the very strength from your core and blurt it out. You don’t have to put up any kind image. You are not a character in a movie. There is no “reel image”, there is only the “real you”. Work on urself. Put in the extra effort.

Niceness is the psychological armor of the people-pleaser.” ~Harriet B. Braiker

My Favourite Feminists

Jo March(Little Women)

My childhood favourite. She is one of the oldest feminist characters of the time. Although she does give out out a “pick-me girl vibe” with her hate towards all “girlish” things. I guess the recent version of the film did justice to it and actually addressed the issue, thereby contributing to her character development.

I mean who can forget Meg’s words:

Anne Shirley(Anne of Green Gables)

Now she is a feminist icon. With her love for puffed sleeves, her brutally honest opinions and utter fearlessness in voicing them, Anne without an E (well that is how she liked to be call) was a feminine inspiration. Her character development throughout the series(I prefer the books) with her embracing her flaws and finally in peace with her red hair shows the true journey towards self love.

Hermione Granger(Harry Potter)

Emma Watson would not have been suitable as per her physical features but omg..she had portrayed the role or should I say lived in it and embraces all its sides. Hermione was not afraid to speak out in the crowd. She was not afraid to lead the boys in her class. She gradually accepted her strong character towards the end of the movie. Let’s be honest, Harry would not have survived without her.

Enola Holmes(Enola Holmes movie)

Wow. A wild untamed woman. Intelligent like her famous brother and fiesty like her mother. She was brutally honest, tolerated no shit, took her own decisions, danced to her own drum and was unapologetically herself in her ways.

Discipline, the Hated Word!!

Discipline, students!! I know, you just shut your eyes in disgust at the word, didn’t ya? I still do it. But now, slowly, in my early twenties, I am beginning to understand the real meaning and significance behind it. Kudos to all the similar kinda words..routine structure order discipline etc etc etc.

So, I was always rebellious. As much as I tried to mellow down and life did tone me down a bit, I still have that rebellious streak inside that fumes in anger at every injustice and meaningless restrictions and discipline was not one of my favourite words either. But, I recently heard of this, let’s say you eliminate all the current institutions amd structures in society. Now what? Can you create a more efficient one which will stand the test of time without turning into another form of totalitarianism?

After witnessing many unstructured lawless lives around me and having first-hand experience living in a messy environment, I understood how much toll it has on your body and mental health. There is a very unhealthy trend of labelling even the bad habits as “cool”. Nothing is wrong but some habits sre harmful and althoigh one should not ostracise the person, one should not encourage it as well. These so-called “cool” things can have major effects on your whole wellbeing. One should not conform to these latest norms afraid of being labelled as uncool or unprogressive. Liberation does not pertain to a utter disregard for rules. One should not be wreckless I their journey towards freedom. You NEED structure, you need routine. They say religion is discipline. If you look into it all the major societal institutions are there to discipline you, to bring some order into the society. Because living in a world of utter lawlessness is not that cool. It is devastating. Never underestimate the importance of sleep routines and eating your food on time. Let us take a look at all the good habits we were taught since childhood. From folding and ironing clothes and putting them in order in the wardrobe, preparing your books and clothes for school next day, washing your dishes after you eat to having a night dress for sleep. Some rules are good and should be followed for the commong good. All of these seemingly small habits actually build up to make a huge difference in your lives. They say that making your bed in the morning gives you day a purpose. Even if you do not follow any established religions, it would do you loads of good to set aside five minutes each day to sit and reflect and say thank you for the things in your world. Saying prayers before your meal, fasting, giving to the poor and needy are all good values we shouldn’t shed in our lives. It is said that two people shouldn’t travel without assigning one among them as the leader to take the important decisions. My father often says that. One should learn to fly high while planting your feet firmly on the ground. It is u called self-discipline. It is better to be your own master than a slave to others, right?

We sould never confuse licentatiousnes with freedom. We need freedom from unjust restrictions and injustices. We need to reform the bad and uphold the good. Any institution that is initially found on good values is bound to get influenced by public and will eventually be another tool on the hands of the few in power. What we need is a balanced path. A life that upholds freedom and is open to new possibilities but equally grounded in values. Find the balance.

The Second Lead Syndrome

I also used to melt seeing those second leads in Asian dramas. Their selfless love was not reciprocated. In fact, in most dramas they were much higher than the toxic macho guys. Growing up, I wished I had someone who loved me like that. It made me soft. But as I live my twenties and has a good experience with a handful of friendship breakups, there is one thing that striked me. One-sided relationships hurt. LIKE HELL. On one side, it also has an addictive side to it. But after going through a lot of pain myself, it was not easy. To love a person more than they do. To give more than receive. To wait for crumbs when we pour our whole heart into it. That was when it striked me. NEVER NEVER let anyone love me like that. I don’t want anyone to go through this whether in friendships or romantic relationships, especially because of me. Let every relationship be mutual. Otherwise it is not a relationship. Two people must be involved to have a proper one. Of course the scale may tip to one end at times but overall it needs to be balanced. Both parties should put in the effort and work needed to sustain a relationship.

So, the next time you see a second lead and think it is cute just imagine it in real life and sense the pain. We cannot even comprehend it unless we go through it ourselves. So, if you love a person and you are in a one-sided relationship with them, this is your call. Deal with the emotions that are to be dealt with and move on. You need to believe that you deserve more and enter into equally loving and fruitful relationships cause they say that you accept the love you think you deserve..and oh you “sweet bundle of loving cells”, you deserve a lot more than crumbs. You deserve a full-course meal. Don’t settle for less.

A Human-born Woman

I am a human being. I was born as a female. I have a woman’s body and sorry to disappoint you but not with a woman’s mind cause I don’t know what that means in the first place. I don’t believe in gender typing the mind. A mind is a mind. Although my physiology will have small effects on it with the hormones and such..the other numerous factors like my circumstances and surroundings define the rest of it. I cannot say for certain that I am this type of person. Something somewhere deep inside seems to remain the same but I am changing, constantly evolving and developing. I am experimenting with life as well, trying out different things and breaking taboos and self imposed restrictions and limitations. But my identity as a woman is something that is superimposed on me no matter how unaware I am of it. The society seems to remind me every moment.

So, since we are constantly reminded of our womanhood, let’s just take control of it. This includes independence in many areas. Financial independence(that includes income, bills, properties) is the core element. Transportation( public transport or private including driving), cooking, clothing, sexuality etc play equally important roles as well. As women, we need to posses our body and take control of it. A huge part of my independence depended upon my sexuality. Own your sexuality, own your body. Learning about my own body and reproduction and that includes menstruation, masturbation, sex, pregnancy etc. has given me a sense of power over myself. Connect with your menstrual cycle. It is called Cycle Syncing. Listen to your body and mind and yes you are a whole bundles of chaotic mess and OWN IT!!!